GRAND OPERA:
That day was the teachers’ day. I went on time to the school because in that day no regular classes would be conducted. All the teachers would be busy in greeting themselves and enjoying their day.
She came to the class. I saw the whole class become lively as soon as she entered the class, like the crowd getting lively while a chief guest enters the function after the delay.
There was a huge discussion on what to be done in those leisure hours, after that they came to a conclusion. She said that she would be arranging something newer. And at last she organized a game to be played in our class. She started the game of singing competition between the boys and girls. According to that game, every team member had to begin a song with the last letter by which the opponent had ended the song.
This game, which she boasted to be novel, had existed since from the days of our grandma’s grandma periods. Though I loved her she was none an exception to a normal girl, it was the nature of the girls. They think themselves of doing something new and great and at last end up with something old and boring, which had been in existence for years.
Though many boys suggested some other interesting games, as usual boys’ hearts only wished to support the opposite community than their own. It was the nature of boys.
So we had no option other than playing that old game because it was better than sitting idle. As she started singing, I really admired. Not on the way she sang, but I wondered
“How could she know these much songs?”
After a few minutes the other girls started to sing as if they really belonged to some great musical ethnicity. This musical flow caused continuous blood flow in our boys’ ears.
“We should record those songs they sing and should replay it to them. Then at least they would realise the greatest sin they were committing…” we discussed with each other.
And the competition went on. Other boys of my class, who were little close to her because of the acquaintance over the past years of being studied in the same school, sung against her i.e. against the girls’ team.
As they sang, I realised that other than humans I was also having some donkeys as my friends because their voices were impeccable in comparison with a donkey’s bray.
I sat in one of the corners of the benches and watched others singing the songs. Though I knew many songs I kept quiet because of shyness. At the end of the game as usual girls won, like every time we denied that, cheated and proclaimed ourselves as the winners.
CHEERFUL AIMS:
In my school days my only aim was to get good marks. So I always concentrated on my studies even then, I still sometimes wished to talk with her, see her and become a friend to her. But I gave very less importance to those things as I was in getting good marks.
I sometimes regret why I have been so foolish and yearned for those little things to happen while ignoring the gift of being near her. I could now realise that I have actually missed some diamonds while I was busy in collecting the stones.
Mostly we regret ourselves when we think that why we were once so much stupid? And why did we think those silly things as the most important and longed for some little things to happen. But we always forget that, during that time those were the things we wanted the most.
During that time all I wished was to get a second rank badge at least once. So that I could carry it, near my heart flaunting myself and displaying the capacity of my brain. It mattered so much to a nerd, especially to a school one.
But the fact was that Syed and she coveted much for this second rank badge more than me. So I am cheering for what I had wished for that day, because in our human lives in everyday the previous days would appear better.
And this was the only thought that kept me away from her during that time.
Who knows I might someday regret for loving her this much. But I hope this wouldn’t happen because our thought to live happily never changes in spite of the ages we attain and the years we live.
JUDGEMENT DAY:
That day was said to be our judgement day… judgment of all the mischievous and naughty things we had done so far. It was parents and teacher's meeting day. For me, that month didn’t hold much except that I was caught once in copying other's papers and late coming for four or five days. But those were more than enough for my teachers; they could even make my photograph to be pasted on the most wanted terrorist list with the things they had gotten.
I was much more worried that the day actually fell on one of my father’s working day. If it had been my father, he would simply listen to the laments of my teacher. Then he would them forget, there itself. Finally, we would be reaching home with an ice-cream. On the other hand, my mother would be asking everything voluntarily from my teacher even she intends to say a little…
In that day, every student feared that all the teachers only by using their words would be telecasting the movie which they had filmed with their eyes. We were afraid because that movie had comprised all our mischievous and corrupt actions we had made up to that day.
I asked my mother to come as late as possible because I knew teachers would be too tired of lamenting all the students to their parents. So I could end this meeting with the less trouble. We all said to one another that.
“Today in our home we are going to get various critics and scolding for the movie, which we played in the lead and supporting roles”
But on that what happened was something different. The release of our films by our teachers was dumped as they were busy with releasing their blockbuster of our friend Pradeep.
The first half of the film was full of romance, and second half was fully filled with action sequences lively performed by his father….
The script of the film was:
He had actually proposed to a girl in our class whom he loved. As soon as he proposed she ran to the staff room as fast as if she was running the 100 m in the Olympics. And after seeing her running, our teachers had decided to give the gold medal to Pradeep because he was the one who caused her to run…
In that day of parents meeting when his father came to know about this, he started to beat him immediately in front of everyone. And after a few minutes to our awaiting eyes, the interesting sequence began. His father and her father started to quarrel with each other.
As all the theatres were busy enough to run this movie, our movies went out of theatre, mainly because audience shortage…
This incident caused fear in every boy’s mind to love a girl… especially the girls who had gotten prizes in the running competition. We actually wondered what the mistake Pradeep had really done. Her father was very much anger towards him. Had he really raped his daughter?
On the next day Pradeep came to the school. After that incident he was afraid even to look at her… for he would have thought about the large fist of his father. But we incited him to see her saying that
“We think she is casting her sweet eyes towards you because girls sympathise very much. And it seems that she was really impressed, and heart touched when you sacrificed yourself in getting beatings from your father...”
“Really!!!” He asked with a bliss full face… and started to gaze at her.
What we expected had happened, and we were happy. The reason was twofold. One was that we did a good thing by joining a loving pair. The other was that we had escaped the subsequent parents' meeting also. We got assured that next time the sequel of Pradeep’s last film would occupy all the theatres. Moreover, the mothers would also support the role of the villains in that sequel…
” If hundreds are not going to suffer, then it didn’t matter that one is going to suffer. If it was made sure that we were one in the hundreds”
THE NEXT STEP:
And one day I discussed everything with Syed, everything that's how some shades of love fell on me.
After hearing this, he said to me.
” These were the attraction we normally get during this time. Don’t yield yourself to such like thoughts. If you do so, then your studies will be spoiled, and your result may turn out to be worst”
He advised and warned me. Though I and Syed were envious of each other’s marks we always wished that.
“He should good very good marks, and I should get at least one mark higher than him,”
Our thoughts were selfish but at the same time it was harmless, and sometimes it was more needed for each other’s progress. So I completely brushed aside the thoughts about her and yielded myself in getting good marks in the exam. During that time, it was a very easy task for my juvenile and immature heart.
A year went, after our ninth standard holidays, we entered our tenth standard. I enjoyed my holidays so blissfully. At times, most of our school friends went to the common ground and played cricket together. To everyone’s surprise I even hit a sixer and took some incredible catches. They hadn’t allowed me to bowl if they had, then I would have also taken some wickets…
I and Syed often ate in each other’s houses; we went to both temples and mosques. We went to the movies and returned home with empty pockets. As a whole we never forgot to decorate those days with our normal activities. Because of which they would always appear glamorous in all our minds when we think of these good old days
AT THE SIXTEENTH AGE:
We first went to the English tuition with the intention of getting good marks in the exam. However, in the Sundays what we have actually been something different. We would be going as early as possible to the tuition and we played cricket on the nearby ground of our English Mam’s house. And I hated this much because most of the times when we played cricket I stood only as an umpire to their game.
Our English madam in fact motivated us to study. She believed that I had some skills that would make some wonder if I could seriously use them in a right way. She often said this to me.
One of our friends said to us that he loves a girl, and he would even give his life to her. After he told that we watched his grades dropping from A to B then to C…may be up to Z if it had existed. And the most shocking about that was he too loved the same person, whom I loved and pretended as if not loving any girl, during that time.
When our English madam came to know about that, she advised us.
“Everyone during the age of 16 will definitely have to cross the barricade of love in their path. Everyone will be having some impression or attraction towards someone… but they are just illusions in your path. It will vanish after you attain some age so never get dragged by it. They are mirages when you go near them, you will be realising that they are nothing. With your tender hearts, it is difficult to differentiate between the infatuation and true love. Just concentrate on your dreams and first try to attain them. If your impression or infatuation is a true love, then you will be wishing to attain them even after your dreams are realised. So give the preference to your dreams “
I felt what she said was 100% true.
During the age of 16, “Does our heart, which had been obstinate about years to fall in love, was violently being taken by someone's hand at last? Alternatively, does our heart have been waiting for these years for the best one to give itself voluntarily into others' hands? We couldn’t feel either of this happening because when this happens our heart wouldn’t be available with us”
IN THE TALE OF LIFE:
In those days, every student of our class feared to love someone. That was because of the fear which was created for us by our parents and teachers. We were given the thought that loving someone was a sin. And this fear given to us like a red signal prohibited our love trains to move ahead. Before we came to know about the true meaning of love we were advised not to fall in love with anyone at any time. And that was the free advice everyone wished to give us, by telling their love stories (most, which would resemble close to some of the super hit love stories of that time) they warned us not to taste the wine of love by any chance.
It was because most of them had already experienced and read their love stories. In everyone’s tale of life, which they start to write right from the day they had born, contains a page prewritten by some. After reading that page named “love," few lucky ones get the same person to write their entire other left out pages. Most complete their tales by some other to write the left out pages, while others leave their tale unfinished.
Our teachers and parents, who hold their place in one among these first two, preferred us not to fall in love. Since they were afraid that some of our tales might also end unfinished.
COUNT DOWN:
In our school days, the only thing we were much awaiting for was the public exam. Our preparations for the exam reached the peak when we started to count the days of our exam. While most of us were busy in reading our subjects, there were a few who really enjoyed their days at our school.
I and Syed were so serious that we even refused to remember a phone number. We said to each other that the memory element in our brain used to store the phone number could be utilised to save an answer for our one mark question.
SAVING THE MIDNIGHT OIL:
The exam, which we had been expecting for all these days had, came at last. Everyone was busy in studying their subjects. I still wonder how my study holidays went so fast that I might have watched only one or two films a day.
However, we were happy for one thing regarding the public exams that our teachers wouldn’t be evaluating our exam papers. For they always gave us least marks. It might because their bank balance came down for each mark, they provided to us.
Then that DAY was the last study holiday of ours, i.e. our exams were going to begin the next day. On that day, I started studying in the morning 10’o clock. I studied up to 12’o clock in the afternoon. Then I thought of relaxing myself for a few minutes, so I switched on the television. I saw my most favourite film had been telecasted. Even the trailer of which had never been telecasted before that day.
I kept on seeing that film saying to myself.
“I will study after ten minutes,"
The ten minutes time continued, and at last I saw the whole film, which ended only at 3’o clock. First of all, every TV station should be warned not to telecast new or popular movies during the exam times of the students. Because of which, most of the students failed to study their subjects by watching the films by saying, “just for ten minutes," exactly like me.
Then I went asleep because of the tiredness of watching the film continuously. I woke at 5’0 clock and again started studying up to 6’o clock.
Another time I switched on the T.V. with the thought that
“I will switch it off within 5 minutes”
The next was the India- Pakistan cricket match. And Indian players played their games awesome as never before. It was impossible to quit the match in the intermediate because every over contained at least one sixer, four or a wicket. I watched T.V. even after the match ended.
After that I went to eat. My mother’s dinner made me to doze in my study table itself. Then I again woke at 10’o clock. I saw the light in the Syed’s house still glowing,
I warned myself that
“Hey Syed is studying still now,"
Then I was wide awake until 12’o clock with a book in my hand, but I hadn’t studied anything. I kept the alarm at 4’o clock and snoozing that for five minutes again and again I finally woke up at 6’o clock. I was much afraid that I hadn’t studied anything, with this fear, I entered the exam hall. As I received the question paper, I saw the questions which I have left out had been asked as the detail questions. And the questions that I studied thoroughly by expectation had been asked only for the brief answers and for the one mark answers.
So I decided myself to write my own stories. I fathom
ed that great story writers, and script writers would have begun their writing only in the exam halls. It must be the womb for their thoughts and imaginations. In that serene place when we see everyone writing we would also wish to write something, though we didn’t have anything in our mind.
As I started writing I went to the soporific mood and soon after some time I felt like sleeping. I couldn’t control what my hands were really writing. I checked my paper twice to ensure that I hadn’t written the story of the film, which I saw on that previous day.
And when the bell rang the examiner grabbed my answer papers while I was only half finished with my answers.
WITH FLOWN OUT COLOURS:
Though I knew I had written my exams partially well;
I said to everyone, who asked, “How much percentage do you expect?” with “above 90%."
And mostly everyone, who heard this, believed me. And one among them was my father, he believed my words, and he was confident on my percentage.
During my tenth standard holidays the only thing, which I was worried about, was my results. All my thoughts were surrounded in getting good percentage and to be in the toppers list of my class. In those days, I suppose I never yearned for her. I suppose I at no time thought whether I would meet her or not. I never thought of missing her. I believe I on no account used her name in my prayers to the God. Yes in those days I never loved her; I suppose I might have had some little infatuation towards her…
However, now I could never find out that, in those days whether I really loved her or not. When we see things after wearing green spectacles in front of our eyes, all the things, which we see, appears accomplished with a green coloured shade.
Likewise, at this moment in time with my heart full of love towards her when I look back on those past days, in which she was near me, all those days appear to be accomplished with a shade of my love. I feel like I had been holding the same love towards her on those days, which is same like now. But I clearly knew that what I had felt on those days been something different from now what I conclude to be felt by me.
Yet I could substantiate one thing to myself, i.e., If she didn't come into my path after my tenth standard, I am sure that I would not have been in love with her by now. She might never have deserved the importance in my heart if she had gone with the shade of infatuation. This beautiful feeling might have happened to me with some other girl. Nevertheless, what to do even fate couldn’t control some inevitable things.
The moment of my tenth result arrived; my father was eager on the result; at last, it disappointed him very much. All I got was a very less percentage than everyone expected. I knew that I hadn’t done my exams well but that wasn’t the percentage I really expected. My tenth result proved to me as a great disaster. My result boat stayed in the border of 80s while hers and Syed’s boat crossed the 90s.
The other thing that depressed me was my English marks; that was the worst of all the marks I have got. I felt ashamed to see my English Mam straight to her face. Because she often said to me that,
“You are my favourite student. I expect that you will be a top rank holder in my subject”
But the marks I had got were not the marks, which a favourite student would get.
So I didn’t go to my old school since I was afraid that my English teacher might be waiting there to present me her compliments for the marks I have scored. I received the news from my friends that actually, my girl was the one who topped in the literature. She was group leader in the physics but how could she get the top marks in the literature? Though gloomy as it was, a small consolation was that Syed too got fewer marks in English.
WRONG TURN:
Then after our tenth results, I and Syed wished to join in another school that was near our old school. Our old school was not that much standardized as like the new school for the 12th standard. At that time, the apple of our eye was our 12th standard and getting good marks in 12th standard was a great pride to us and as well as to our family. Though we received some decent as well as bad comments on the school from the passed out students, we determined to join the new school. After analysing various details we received; we were a lot capitulated by the policy of ‘Shuffling’ adopted in the new school. We were not considerably clear about the policy, in fragments all we know about the policy was that a special care was provided to each, and every student based upon their abilities.
I and Syed with our mothers went to enrol our names to the new school and pay the admission fees. As I went near the counter wonderment filled my eyes. I saw her standing beside her father in the girl’s queue, and she saw me and gave me a peaceful smile as if welcoming his old friend.
I went there to explain those to Syed, I saw him speaking with another friend of us. Then we came to know that most of the friends of us who got above 70% in our tenth standard had the similar thoughts just like us. And most of them already joined in that new school. I and Syed were extremely joyous because we had got our friends all together, as well as we had got a better platform to accomplish our dreams.
COMPLIMENTS OF SHUFFLING:
Then after joining in the new school, I and Syed as usual went to the bus stand. We went together for the first day of our school. We entered the school and waited in the common place where most of the other students and our previous school friends had been waiting. Few minutes later the teachers from that school came and started discussing the rules and regulations of that school. And they gave us the instructions to be followed in that school, hearing those we all felt one thing in common that
“We shouldn’t have left our old school."
We understood the real worth of our old school after we left it and joined in the new school that shortly appeared to us like the “Military camp." And for me something more disaster had been waiting for me. The asserted to us the policy of “shuffling”, which we had been expecting much, with thought, would be more fruitful to us. We reckoned why some of the students who passed out of the school called our new school as a ’jail’.
A teacher came and explained about the “shuffling." It was after hearing such like policies. We really wished to join this school. We thought shuffling would be some great policy until a teacher came and announced,
“According to the “shuffling," the students will be, first categorised into separate sections. And they will attend the classes that will be held in their particular sections in a different manner. And with the availability of 160 students, the students are now categorised into four sections each containing 40 students. The section A will be containing the top-grade holders followed by B and C. While D section will be containing the least grade holders. The A section student will deserve all the facilities such as only the best teachers will be provided to them. On the other hand, the more care will be provided for the D section students such that they had to study at the school itself for up to night 7’o clock. Now the students are categorised based on their tenth marks and they will be shuffled to the other sections based upon the marks they will be getting in the upcoming exams”
We listened to those with our mind full of abhorrence. And I doubted that in shuffling I would fall on some other sections other than the section, she and Syed would fall. We should not doubt whether some bad things might happen, if we do, then they would just happen.
As I doubted, the same thing happened. I went to C section while she, and Syed went to the B section. First, I hated that class very much but after entering the class, I found many beautiful girls in my section. So shuffling didn’t affect me much. That was furthermore, a happy thing to have your loved one in the nearby section while many other beautiful girls were in your section. And moreover, in my class I also had some other old friends in my class who would dance to my tunes.
> MA, I FORGOT SOMETHING:
After entering that school my aim of getting good marks in my twelfth standard vanished on seeing most of the students who had gotten very high marks in their tenth standard. And I believed it would be hard for me to beat them with my marks. When we become aware that we aren’t going to win the race then all we will wish to be to walk instead of running.
Moreover, I wished not to study anything in my eleventh standard, in order to take a rest after writing the tenth public exam and before writing the twelfth public exam. And these thoughts of mine ruined me. I was flunked in the very first exam but there were two reasons. One was that I hadn’t really studied well in the exams. And the other was that the pass mark in my new school was 60%. Even thinking of that cumbersome pass percentage would cause fainting in the examination hall.
When I came to know that she and Syed had also flunked I felt as if my wounded heart had at last been treated by a beautiful nurse.
After that we all feared of getting the progress signed by our parents as we were new arrivals to the list of failures. So I made an idea. And as per the idea I got ready at 8’o clock: The exact time to go for the bus even a one minute’s delay would make me bunk my class. Then I first rushed to the bus stop from my home. Half way I turned back and rushed again to my home as if I had forgotten to get the signature in the progress card… I went shouting.
“Ma, I forget to get the signature” my father rushed to take the pen.
I took the progress card out of my bag all in a bustle exactly showcasing the urgency for which my mother had to give an immediate attention. Then I showed my report card to my mother. When my mother was about to put the signature, her eyes suddenly fell on the grade. So I shouted.
“Hurry, hurry it is already getting late."
And I put down my hands over the F grade marked with a red ink as if holding the report card.
So she signed without seeing the grades on it. And as a continuation of the play I once again rushed with extreme speed and great relief.
In that following night though I incessantly spoke with my mother about the other topics, she was keen on my report card. As soon as she asked, “what grade have you got?”
“This time I got only B grade, today you saw while you were signing, didn’t you?” I asked.
She asked, “I didn’t. Why have your grades dropped?”
“Ma what do you think of this school? Even getting pass marks in this school is difficult. Be proud that your son has passed. Don’t covet much” I told her sagely.
Then after a few petty arguments I manoeuvred the plane of conversation in a different direction.
But Syed has been always loyal to his mother. He said about his F grade to his mother, but that wouldn’t have been a problem had he not mentioned my getting the same shameful grade.
Like us, our mothers were also close friends. They always gossiped their life stories (starting from the day they were born) because of those my mother came to know my grade at last.
In that day, I came to my house and shouted.
“Today the Chapattis you have kept for my lunch are not sufficient. I am so hungry. Do you have anything to eat?”
My mother’s face turned red.
“Let us see that later, what grade you have got this time?” She asked.
“How many times have I to repeat the same answer for this question” I grinned in mock disappointment and said, “B- grade”
“But Syed said to his mother that you too have got F grade."
She asked looking into my eyes, while my father regarded me with suspicious eyes.
“I really forgot to tell you. On that day Syed got flunked, while I got passed. He was so unhappy and requested me that he would say I too got flunked in so beseeching a voice I couldn’t help but acquiesce. So that it would be easy for him to manage his mother. And convince her that getting pass marks in our school was so tough."
Though she believed this, her eyes indicated that there still lingered some doubts.
“Today’s Chapattis you made for my lunch was so fantastic. The opulence in its taste could scarce satisfy my hunger. Do have them now?” I asked and approached the kitchen room.
My father whose doubts bordered on suspicion earlier would have become unchangeable convictions. My mother would have kept the same Chapattis for his lunch also. I dare say the notorious taste still stuck his tongue.
I do such things to remove myself from sticky situations. I often lied to my mother because we both liked the lies, I used to say her. Some days later my parents would be laughing at the puerile lies I had told them. So I always liked lie (harmless lies they were though), because I didn’t want our (my) happiness to be spoiled by a silly truth.
During those days, the life we lived within those walls was just like this, we lived every moment in blithe contentment. My parents were my world and like the moon that is inseparable with the earth my thoughts always revolved around them. That was until the day she came into my dreams.
AS IN LOVE AS NEVER BEFORE:
The next week was full of fun and frolic. With the new friends I got in that new school and with my old friends we bunked the class and went to a movie. On that day I saw one of the romantic movies, which left a complete impact on me. After I came home, I went to sleep early in the night.
“As you were afraid of seeing her gaze
You came at night, when the whole world is asleep
In order to see how beautiful she really was
With the one sided love towards her
For some days you emaciated
And for some days you grew
For all these days, you thought someday she will be yours
But now I am sorry to say, that the one you loved
Is going to get married to another,
Who loves her more than you do
With the breath that has kissed your girl’s heart
I am sending you my first marriage invitation
Come there with your friends! Hide yourself in the huge crowd
And bless us while we walk down the aisle”,
When I said this stretching my hands straight at the moon, she suddenly came near me, stroked my hair as gently as my mother, kissed on my cheeks then went…
At last as usual when my mother shouted
“Wake up, Krishna it is already late”
I found that all those were just dreams. I hurt myself like the other ordinary lovers for the human inability to give life to their dreams …
And that day I went to the school with myself feeling something different from what I have been these days. I felt that I had gone crazy yet I wished that craziness was not enough for me to love. When I realised my longing for her, I just laughed at the things for which I had longed before.
I went and sat in my class I saw her coming. As she entered the class I saw her straight into her eyes, she saw me and gave me a chivalrous smile in her face. I thought for while whether she too would have got the same dream as like mine. I thought this for the whole day, from that day I realised I had fallen in love for her as never before.
I realised for all these days my subconscious mind was: always thinking about her, speaking about her and loving her. But my mind was busy enough to lend ears to it. When my subconscious mind explained her importance through dreams, my mind realised its yearning for her, which had been concealed since from the day it saw her.
If everyone who loves someone thinks of the day they had realised that they have fallen in love for. Then it would be surely the day, in which they had their loved ones in their dreams for the first time in their life.
That was the day I realised myself that a part of mine loves her dearly even without my knowledge. The true love for her was hidden in my heart by the false shadows of lies, which I said to myself for the sake of my vicinity. At last it
was recognised by me, when my dream had thrown its lights over them.
I felt that feeling was something different, totally different from the attraction, infatuation, etc.…which could never be experienced with anyone other than her. One may be first attracted by thousands, hundreds may infatuate but when it comes to love it is always one. Love is so damn thing that it always gives permission for only one soul to exist in our heart by saying its name.
A LUCKY CHANCE:
One day in the chemistry lab after doing our experiments, I went near the place where the concentrated Sulphuric acid and Hydrochloric acid were placed. We were advised that they were hazardous acids and we should not keep ourselves near them. But whenever we got chances we tested whether what they had said was true or not by throwing papers or small wooden pieces over them.
I saw no one was around there so I decided to use that chance. And I opened the book, which was kept in the side of that table, to tear a piece of paper from it. My eye balls bulged out at that moment because that book’s first page contained her beautiful name.
“Haven’t the pen asked her to show him the creator of the world’s most beautiful poem? While, she wrote her name; if it had asked then how could she have shown God to it?” I thought a poem at that moment.
“You stupid, the poem is old, jaded and faded “I said to myself.
And I took the book to my home. I read that book till the night that even my mother wondered.
” If I were given all her books then I would have been the state first rank holder” I thought to myself.
I rehearsed many times in my mind, the things I had to speak while returning the book to her.
In the next morning I took the book and went near her and said
“Here is your book that you left in the lab”
“Thank you very much. I searched for it for the past two days” by looking straight into my eyes she answered to me and went away.
That was the day I realised “How coward I was really?”I thought of inducing a conversation with the book, but I failed. I scolded myself for being like that and wondered how I went speechless for the first time when our eyes clashed one another.
“At the very moment I saw her eyes, I felt like
Falling deep into the well named her eyes
How deep is it really, I went on falling
But I never could see its bottom,
The only thing I could imagine Is that
The depth of her eye well is unimaginable
I know like was the love
One goes on falling but could never see its depth
Being like this how could I say?
That I have fallen in love
All I could say is that I am falling in love
At the moment right now and up to the moment
I could see the depth of her eyes and my love as well……”
Yes I might refuse to concede that I love her but I could never refuse that I was falling in love. Though I believed I could stop this at some moment; I wished not to.
AUTOPSY BY CUPID’S ARROW:
Three months later we finished our quarterly examinations. In the morning while I was watching the cartoon channel, my mom pestered me continuously about the report card.
And I said to her “They haven’t even given half of our papers then how can they give our report card?”
My mother asked “Syed have shown his report card to his mother. You are in the same school then how you only are not getting your report card?”
“Same school, same class, but different section, our teachers is too lazy to prepare the report card…” I told her, then
I took my bag and said my mom “Today I have to go early to the class”
To escape from my mother’s investigation I had to miss my favourite cartoon that day.
After that, I daily had to miss them because at least once in the morning she would be asking about my report card. The fact was that I was the first one to submit my report on the next day of the day they provided the report card. They asked us to get the signature from our parents. I wished not to trouble them so I signed an impeccable signature of my mother right below my red-marked F grade.
From that day I started to go to my class as early as possible. One such day after going early to the class I had no other thing to do. I thought for a while and as usual I went to the corridor of my school. The wall in the corridor of our school contained many large windows lined with steel rods with 3 to 4 inch gap in between each of them. From which one could see the people coming to my school from a distance.
In those days I liked those things very much. When the rays of the sun would be slowly trying to touch the corridor, I would be standing there in an agony for its cunnings to forget me. Then it would please me by making my skin feel its essence before it falls on the floor.
Then I would be simply watching: the children playing in a nearby house; wives busy in making their husband to get ready for their office; mothers and fathers buying chocolates and other stationeries for their school going kids in the nearby by shops.
On such like a day I wondered about my heartily rose, which blossomed when her gaze fell on it like the rays of the Sun. I feared that it would wilt and wither if I fail to water it with the thoughts of her. My eyes began to visualise her through my imaginations.
Then I was startled on seeing her walking over there.
I felt tears running inside of my eyes. That was the first time my love was just stirring my soul. I was standing there still. I could not move an inch. On that minute all my nerves, bones, every cell every DNA and every RNA were subjected to autopsy by the Cupid’s little arrow for which they readily have sacrificed their lives for minutes. Yet my soul stood alive feeling the pain.
She got upstairs suddenly. My corpse standing there, still, was unaware of what was going around until it regained its life by drinking the elixir offered by her gaze.
She saw me and asked, “Why have you come, so early today?”
Though my heart whispered “for you” as inside, my lips just said
“I like coming early”
She smiled and said nice! Then she followed her way to her class.
I felt, how could she walk such a carefree walk? Didn’t her really aware that a soul was dying here to hold her arms while she walk. How could she be asserting only a few words? While my life was waiting to hear all those words she could talk. Couldn’t she feel the lovely words said by my silent eyes? Why should she pretend as if she hadn’t noticed anything? Was it my innocence that asks these questions or her cunningness that refuses to answer them?
Was this love arisen because of her beauty? Firmly and concretely No would be the answer to this question. In my school I had many girls more beautiful than her. If beauty caused the love then I would have loved at least another 10 girls.
“Beauty is merely something which our eyes argue and our mind concludes”.
Something other than her beauty really attracted me, ‘that something’ which I could never find until I live with her at least seven eternal lives by resurrection. Love never reveals itself fully to anyone.
That moment I thought nothing except that if she was not in my life any more, then I wished let me end my life there. I begged God to give me her immediately at that moment. For I wished I would love her as much as possible, live a life that no one in the universe had ever did.
After falling in love I started to understand the depth of my life.
UNEXPECTED INFLUENCE:
Our twelfth standard begun, we were really bored of reading those subjects. Our new Physics sir named Ganesh entered the class. His first day of our class was so much interesting. But he wouldn’t be concentrating on the syllabus of our twelfth standard port
ions. So some hated to listen his class for they wanted was just the marks. At first even I was one among them.
One week later, I was listening and seeing the blackboard. He asked
“Hey, where are you looking, am I a fool standing here and teaching you…”
Had he gone mad, I thought for a second and answered him
“I am actually looking the black board only. I don’t know what the problem with it is?”
He went that day leaving this argument there. And on the next day with a face full of aversion he asked me the same question, which he asked previous day.
I was perplexed as never before, I later thought of the problem associated with that. Then I explained my squint eye to him. He immediately hit his hand on his head and asked “sorry”.
He really felt that he shouldn’t have hurt my soul by denoting my squint eye. He felt that it would have embarrassed me when he denoted my squint eye in front of my other friends.
I later explained to him,
“I don’t feel any kind of embarrassment for being born like this. I really feel great as I consider this as a unique gift, rarely given to me by God for easy identification of me by others”
He was overwhelmed with my attitude and a close friendship developed between us. I began to like his subject more because of him and he began to like the squint eye personalities because of me.
Not only for me he soon became a favourite teacher to most of us, but that didn’t last long. Some other students who concentrated on the twelfth marks complained about him that he was actually not taking classes regarding with our prescribed text book. He was the one who explained how important the knowledge to a human was. He motivated all of us to study and get good marks in our twelfth standard. He said to us that
“If you have the confidence of achieving a particular target in your high school, then that confidence will automatically give the courage to face anything in your life.”
He taught us in a way to make us knowledgeable while our school suggested him to take classes in such a way that students should be getting more marks than the knowledge. He always thought teaching as an auspicious thing when he learnt, that our school wasn’t really a temple of teaching, he left our school, saying a big adieu.
MY PARENTS’ DREAM AND STUDY HOLIDAYS:
My mother and father since from the day I born, they imagined me an engineer. And for them the most important thing they should do in their life was to make myself an engineer. My father had been toiling outside our house just to earn money for this. My mother everyday was collapsing all her brain nerves to control the everyday expenses. She would be bargaining for one rupee for five minutes with a vendor, the reason behind them would be to make me an engineer.
My father would say that
” I won’t be drinking coffee or tea in the day times, it is not healthy”
And he wouldn’t be drinking the coffee or tea while others in my father’s office would be drinking, the reason behind that would be to make myself an engineer. For the middle class people these things were some of the sweetest burdens for which they had volunteered themselves to be lifted with pride.
When I learned that my twelfth marks were going to be the foundation of my parents’ dream, I decided to yield myself fully on getting marks as much as possible. So that it would be saving most of my father’s sweat and my mother’s energy in the form of money.
I spent most of the time in studying. I would get a flask full of coffee prepared by my mother and I would study late nights as much as possible. Because of my exams my father was the one who was most affected. His habitual action to hear the news which would be telecasted daily was ruined.
As I wouldn’t allow television to run in my home, claiming that it was a great disturbance for me to study he didn’t have any other options than to see the news in the newspaper. The routine duties of mine such as going to the grocery shops, getting milk packet and such like all those things had then fallen on my father.
I thought to preoccupy my mind with some other important thing, so that I could banish her thoughts away from me. I concentrated much on studies because in order to get relief from the new feeling which had arisen in my heart.
I and Syed started to study voraciously once again like our tenth standard. I and Syed would be studying while we walk, while we talk, while we were in the bus, while we ate… that most of the people in our surroundings betted that either of us would be the state first mark holders.
ANOTHER RACE:
I was already injured in the race of my tenth public exams. I unnecessarily competed with my friends and others and I ran seeing them and not on the target which I was running for. Hence I fell even before reaching the target.
Even in the beginning of twelfth standard I had decided that, these things shouldn’t be repeated again. And I set my mind in such a way that I may walk but I have to cross the target in an efficient way.
I never let the same foolishness that happened in my tenth standard to happen again. One such was being sleepless for long hours which caused me drowsy on the examination hall. I slept well in the night before the exam and entered the exam hall with confidence. In the question paper I found some of the questions which I hadn’t studied had been asked. I left all those and concentrated on answering the questions for which I knew the answers. Since I hadn’t mugged up the subjects it was indeed easy for me to give the answers.
I left the examination hall as soon as I finished my examination. If I had to remain there then I have to bear bitterness of having written some wrong answers which would be pointed out by my friends (They will be very much happy in doing this). This would be like a thunder stroke and I might lose my hope for other exams that were yet to come.
One by one, I finished every exam from English, physics… to computer science. I hoped that I would be excelling in English and Physics because of those teachers’ influence during my tenth and twelfth standard.
At the end of our last exam though we were grateful for the excellent coaching our school provided. We never forgot those days in which we were treated just like prisoners. Hence in order to avenge some of the courageous students among ourselves broke the fans, benches, dusks, etc…At the same time some other students especially girls bought wall clocks, greetings and other such things to be gifted by them as a remembrance. While I assisted some of the students of the former, she led the girls of the latter. We once again stood like the north and south poles.
AN IDLE MIND- A LOVE’S WORKSHOP:
“An idle mind is a love’s workshop”
I understood that during my holidays.
Whenever she was near me
I found my heart hanging around her
Whenever she was not near me
I found my heart missing somewhere
Is this love I don’t think so
Whenever she speaks something
I feel as IF there was nothing inside my ribcage
Yet weighing so much
Is this love I don’t think so
Whenever her gaze falls
I realise I have become selectively blind
That I could see ONLY her nothing other
Is this love I don’t think so
Whenever I think of her
I am confused that whether I am dreaming a life
Or living a dream
Is this love, of course, yes it is
As during my holidays I had nothing other to do other than the habitual actions I researched myself and I understood what love really meant?
As I had nothing except to dream about her, imagining the mark she was going to get, the college she was going to join and top most of them was that
“Whether I will see her or not” but I had an instinct that always said to me that
LIFE TIME FESTIV
AL FOR THE MIDDLE CLASS:
All families of the 12th students will be waiting for the counselling as the important function and festival of their life time. Every mother will be busy in preparing pillows, clothes and other items such as soap cases, etc. for their future engineers. While all the fathers will be busy in repairing their old cartons which they used during their hostel times given to them like a legacy from their father.
As habitual I woke late in the morning that too because of some noise that arose. I got up from the bed and went to see where the noise is really coming from. I saw my father doing some hammering and tinkering works to a carton box. I asked him what he is doing. He replied to me that,
“This is the carton box you are going to carry to your college to keep all your clothes. This is really a lucky one which I got from my father”,
After seeing that box I understood that my ancestors are well educated enough because the carton box might be at least 100 years old. I warned immediately to my father
“I won’t be carrying this at any cost”...
After seeing my twelfth standard result and my girl for the last time I pulled my twelfth holidays harder with her thoughts. And as my parents awaited my letter for the eligibility of the Engineering counselling came. After the letter came a real Utsav began in my family. My father on each day will arrive with the name of few engineering colleges and courses which are popular.
My mother on the other hand is indeed worried. She asked me
“In the counselling can’t you take any nearby colleges and be near us”
I said “I will be near with you and I will be studying some other degree than engineering is that ok for you”
As in my home town no good engineering colleges are available I wished to study in some of the reputed colleges. Mainly because of good the marks I have scored in my twelfth standard and the effort I have put in that.
My mother’s face dulled and lost its brightness, like a bright moon being hidden by a huge cloud. It was hard for my parent even to imagine myself being someone other than an engineer. Not only for my parents but for most of the parents making their sons or daughters as engineers or doctors is an acute and common disease that prevailed. And they are unaware that sometimes they affected their sons’ dreams.
Like Shahjahan wished to build Tajmahal, every middle class man had a great dream penned in their diary. And it is to become a father of an engineer or a doctor.
For all these days my mom had been praying to the god to make me an engineer. And she could never guess that for each step God made his work on making me an engineer, he also made an equal step in making me to move away from her…
MASTERPIECE:
I have no one to call me by a nickname
I have no silly jaded stories to be told again and again
I have no one to buy me something when my pocket is empty
And no one to share my money resting in my purse
Once I had all these things done by a few but I left all those
Because I believed these were little things
And life has many things more than this
I was right these are little things,
But why I yearn? For those little things to happen
Why I cry? When these little things fail to happen
Because I know very well that
Only these little things filled as the ink of the pen
What wrote the masterpiece named friendship.
When I am near to the counselling day, I realised that I am missing all my school friends. We never expected that all those beautiful days would end so soon. With the different marks we got in the public exam we prepared our own report card and decided the college and course that would suit best for us.
I and Syed were in a dilemma we didn’t have any intention to choose any of the courses in particular. Soon after that I am shocked to hear that his uncle will be taking him to his home. So that he will get a good education over there. His home is in another state, we understood that we are greatly going to miss each other, as we have many other important things to attain in our life.
Whatever it might be? We have done many things which will be unforgettable for years. Even our grandchildren will be so keen on listening to our stories when we explain this to them, as they are accomplished with more fun and happiness. We assured each other that though our school days ended our friendship will sail in our oceans of life forever.
Then In each day, the affection from my mother increased by 2 to the power n times. Where n is the no of days that went close to my counselling date. In every day she prayed to the God that the colleges other than the one that is near to my house shouldn’t be available in the counselling. She pleaded God to do some miracles over that.
All the preparation for my counselling is over. We three and my cousin gathered at a bus stop to take the bus for our counselling
A WINDOW-SEAT:
The cool breeze makes me feel something weird. I feel like being carried away into another world of dead eternity. Then I hardly come back to reality that I am still living. That’s what I have yearned for. To me sitting near the window is a delighted thing that I often wait for hours to get a window seat. Sitting on that seat I would be thinking about some of the happy moments of my life.
I thought about my college life. It felt like I have been on the same bus which I took four years before for my counselling. But now it is hard for me to realise that my college life travelled so fast and it seems that they ended even before the bus I took had reached its place. Now I feel I am missing my college life as much as I thought of missing my school life four years before. I thought about those moments. Those happy moments, tear drops began to fall on my cheeks. I started looking back on those days. Every moment came before my eyes. The days of counselling, my first day in the college, our Farewell day, etc.…
It was the day of my counselling. We three along with my cousin brother (my mother made him to come in order to assist me) entered the counselling hall.
I always yearned to join the course and college she would join. I was not really interested in the courses and colleges. On those days to make myself an engineer was my parents’ dream and my dream was something different than that. I dreamt to love her, my only aim that filled my heart was to marry my girl…
In the counselling hall it was hard for me to guess the course and college she would be joining. And it was one of the most complicated things in the world for which I was never confused like that. Then at last I took the college and course suggested by my cousin.
Though the college name sounded familiar I doubted that there were only few chances for her to choose that same college in the counselling. And I chose the computer engineering for that was the course that most girls did chose. Might because computers mostly did what their velvet hands wanted, which some other machines (Mechanical engineering) denied.
Yet my heart weighed when I thought about “how I was going to survive in the college if she wasn’t in my college.”
After the counselling I saw my mother controlling the tears that were about to flow. The tears arouse because of the combined effect of ecstasy and pain. The ecstasy, that her dream had come true. At the same time pain too was induced in her because I had to go a distance from her.
MY PARENTS’ TURN:
Then we went to my college to join me on the first day. In the college there was a huge crowd formed by the students, their parents, their relatives and their relatives. Yes all the relatives and friends who would be coming to the marriage eve were present on that occasion.
Then after paying my huge college and hostel fees we went to the room allotted to me. In our college three members shared a roo
m and I was the first one to reach my room. My mother cleaned my room and advised me to take the cot, which was near the windows. She knew very well that I always found great joy in looking on to the outside world through the windows. After doing all these they went and bought me all the necessary things which I needed…
My father, who carried his lucky carton box all the way, at last kept that in the closet which was afforded to me.
Then it was the time for my parents to leave me on my way like an eagle leaving its eaglet on its way after it had learned to survive by itself. They went on their way saying goodbye to me for more than four times before reaching the gate of my college. During the third time while saying the goodbye my mother’s voice went cold I understood she was crying. During the first day in my school I cried on seeing my parents leaving me. And during the time they left me in the college, it was their turn.
IN (-) FORMAL INTRODUCTIONS:
When we were first introduced ourselves our professors asked about the aim of our life. My only aim during that time was to marry my girl but I thought it would be embarrassing to say that. So I said my aim was to become a scientist. Saying it was easier for everyone mostly for the ones who didn’t wish. Then I came to my place and sat
My roommate introduced himself by saying his name as “Sakthi Praveen”. And when he was asked about his aim he said
“My only aim in my life is to marry a girl whom I love the most”. Whole class first laughed and everyone clapped their hands for his aim. As it was most of ours’ unsaid aim too.
I shouldn’t have said my aim as a scientist because it gave me a nerd look. Everyone after that started to ask some of the subjects’ related doubts.
I really yearned that my girl should be studied in the same college. But I knew it was too stupid to think like that since it was a quite an impossible thing that could happen. Fate didn’t work as we wish if it had then our life wouldn’t have been this much interest.
I searched her for some time in all the places of my college as much as possible. And I returned in the half way leaving some search incomplete for the next day. Because it was hard for me to bear that I was going to miss the chance of being near with her for at least four years. So I decided myself to divide the pain for a few days.
I would search for some time in one day. And I would leave for my room with a hope and complacence that I hadn’t fully searched her, so she might be in some other place …
HEY BOY:
During the first week I and Sakthi decided to go to the gym and build our body first by reducing our tummy size. Most of our friends had already begun calling us as ‘Fatso’.
Though all of our friends advised us to not to go to the gym because there were chances for us to get caught by the seniors. But I and Sakthi oblivious to their advices went to the gym.
We first went to a shoulder workout section. There stood a short and lean boy watching us keenly. We thought him to be gym boy, so Sakthi asked him to fetch a 6kg dumbbell. That boy grinned and asked whether we were first years or not. We nodded our heads as first year students.
He said “I am a mechanical department student”
“Oh! Sorry, we thought you to be gym boy, anyway please to meet you” I said and stretched my hands for a handshake.
“I am in third year, your senior” he said and we sighed.
. They took us straight to their rooms and after that they played the music and made us to perform everything starting from a circus jester to an actor, a swimmer in land, etc. But we escaped because most of the others were our department seniors, who were comedians and they even didn’t know how to rag a new student.
After that we ceased to go to the gym as we got the confidence that, our mess food would automatically take care on reducing our tummy.
FUN AND FROLIC:
At first we had few problems with room sharing such as our cart position, table position, etc. But those problem settled by themselves. In college I met various kinds of friends one of the most humorous was Sathyan my other roommate. He woke up only at 8’o clock by the time everyone would be busy with going to the college. And as soon as he woke up his immediate question would be
“What is the today’s breakfast in the mess da?”
Sakthi would say “Idli da” his immediate answer will be
“Will anyone eat that food? I really wonder how you people are really eating it.”
After saying this he would get up from his bed and he would leave his room. And straight he would go to the mess. In the mess we could see at least 10 Idlis stacked on his plate…
We mocked each other by identifying everyone’s weakness. During that I saved Sakthi at chances and he supported me while I mocked others. According to the rules of mocking, when one was affronting the other by saying some cracks over him, you should not laugh if he was his friend. And if it was your friend was affronting the other, then you should laugh or at least pretend to laugh from the underneath of your stomach though nothing such like the joke was cracked.
If we were silent during the time when the other was mocking at us, then the mocking would be doubled. And if you oppose then it would multiply in quadruples.
Our classes’ strength ratio decreased and attendance in the canteen increased as time went. With her thoughts in my heart I wasn’t really interested in seeing the girls. I met many beautiful girls in fact even my class contained one girl and she was the next name in her attendance order. They used that chance and linked her with me and they shut my mouth at the every possible time using this. I thought for a week and asked help from Sakthi. He said that I had no other choice than saying
“She was really like a sister to me.”
I thought that and I said as he said, they ceased me linking to her. I felt relief after that. But at last that was great snafu. As after I had told them everyone started to call me as “brother in law”.
I understood the toughest job in the world was to be a brother to a beautiful sister. As they worsened, I said she was no more my sister. As soon as they heard that from me those monkeys once again climbed the same tree which they climbed before. If wasn’t in love then I might have accepted their cordial mocking.
HARD TO SHOW AS WELL AS TO HIDE:
When someone doubts and asks me
Whether I am in love, I reply NO
Before they could close their lips
When I write some love poems, I destroy them,
Before someone could see it
When someone says their love experiences
I just watch them silently with my mouth shut.
When I see some love couples though I cry
Inside my heart for my unluckiness,
I could hide them through my facial reactions.
While imagining my future with you
Though I become insane sometimes
I could even hide that through my intelligence.
I do all these things in order to hide my love from others
And show myself to them as if I wasn’t in love
But, when I stare at something forgetting my surroundings and
If someone could ask me what I was thinking
I knew I would say your name spontaneously
Making all these efforts in vain………
It is hard for me to show my love to you and
It is even harder for me to hide my love from others eyes as well
Yes, I felt really hard to hide my love from the other’s eye especially with my roommates. My roommate Sathyan was flirting and chatting with his girlfriend through the phone. I asked about his love story he said that he saw her two months ago when his friend introduced her to him. He then got her phone number and after messaging one day he proposed her. And from the day she accepted, he had been c
ontinuously recharging his phone for 50 RS a day. That was his costly love story.
And then I said about my love experience to him. Hearing those he said to me
“Your girl should be lucky if she could get you as her life partner, for no one would love her this much”
My heart wished the same. Sathyan then explained me about the “Love Logic of God”. According to that God will be giving the one to ones who love them most. Then he told
“If you love her more than anyone in this universe then God will surely give you her”. I wished that same should be the real logic of God because
“If I am the one who loves her very much than anyone let I get her. If not then another one who would be existing only hypothetically shall get her”
Both were satisfactory for me to live a happy life.