“How’d you let that one slip away?” John asked.
“She’s a fine . . .” Mark began but stopped when Thomas and John shot him an icy glance.
“I couldn’t remember her name,” Thomas said without emotion.
The guys laughed. Thomas faked a chuckle, noting that everything must be a little funnier when you’re on your fourth beer.
* * *
Thursday morning found Peter sitting in his office thinking about working. He’d been in that state for at least an hour when Stanly let himself in.
“So what do you think about backpacking with us after the conference in Seattle?” he asked. “I meant to ask you last night but it slipped my mind.”
“I’ve never been really into camping, and don’t know the first thing about backpacking,” said Peter.
“Hey, neither do I. But Sam’s organizing the whole thing and said that anyone who wanted to go with him wouldn’t have anything to worry about. Not many people are keen on the idea, I don’t know if it’s the camping or Sam, and I really don’t want to go if it’s just going to be me and him.”
“Why do you want to go in the first place?”
“I figured it’ll be the perfect opportunity to get on Sam’s good list. In case you haven’t noticed we’ve both been dropping in his standings lately.”
Peter had thought that nothing in the world could convince him to spend several days walking around in the middle of nowhere with a ton of stuff on his back, but Stanly’s last comment carried a lot of weight and he agreed to think about it, then suggested that they go get lunch.
* * *
“How can you even consider not going with Jason? You were in love with him on Tuesday. How can you change your mind like that?” Sara’s tone was incredulous. Julia was sitting across the table tapping her ballpoint pen while her value meal got cold. She had been too excited to think about eating. Her expression quickly shifted from gleeful enthusiasm to indignant defensiveness.
“What did he do to deserve this?” Sara continued becoming more aggressive as Julia became more distant.
“It’s not anything he’s done but everything he hasn’t, or hasn’t done lately. We’re not even technically dating, because he’s never technically asked me.”
“That’s not a good enough reason. Have you even talked to him about homecoming?” Sara asked.
“It’s not like we’re married and I’m walking out on him. I’m not even breaking up with him.”
“But you know how he feels about you, and he’ll ask you, I promise. Or do you think that Scott is a better match. That’s the real reason isn’t it?”
“So what if it is,” Julia snapped, “don’t I have the right to look for something better. Don’t I have the right to make that decision?”
“It doesn’t seem like a very good one to me. That’s all I’m trying to say.”
“We’re talking about my life. You should be happy for me.” Julia spoke with an air of finality, then added, “You can be so judgmental sometimes.” She knew that this last statement was completely unfair, but she drowned out any remorse with forced indignation.
Both girls sat in silence in their usual corner table of the burger joint located about a mile from the high school. The cheeseburger and chicken nuggets had been all but forgotten when Julia mentioned Jason. Now the girls resumed eating to make the silence less awkward. As Julia finished the last of her french-fries Sara broke the silence.
“So you wouldn’t mind if I dated Jason would you?”
“Don’t play mind games with me. I know you’re just trying to get me to change my mind, but I’m not going to. So yes, you can date him. Why would I care? And while you two are sitting around doing nothing together Scott and I will be at the opera or doing something, well, special.” Julia’s voice became whimsical and trailed off as if she had forgotten that Sara was across from her.
“First of all,” Sara began, “I have English with Scott, and I can promise you that he won’t be taking you to the theater, or the opera or any other production. And second you don’t even like going to the opera. You like sitting around at the park, or walking along the track, and all the other stuff you and Jason do.”
“Used to do.”
“Have you gone completely crazy?”
“Maybe I would like the opera. I’ve never been.” Julia retorted then looked at her watch and added, “Hurry up, we’ve got to go or we’ll be late for class.”
Sara made a comment about Julia’s obsession with being punctual as the two hurried out of the restaurant and into Julia’s Mustang.
* * *
“Are you really thinking about leaving him?” Abigail’s voice was excited and she almost spilled her coffee as she leaned in close, eager for more details.
“Yes. I’ve almost made up my mind.” Hannah wasn’t nearly as enthusiastic as her companion. Abigail worked in the same law office but was almost a full decade older than Hannah. She had a no nonsense personality and never seemed to let anyone take advantage of her. Both women were wearing a blouse, Hannah’s was a dark red and Abigail’s was white; they each wore a little makeup, but Abigail’s made her face look dignified and radiant while Hannah felt that hers was only good for hiding the age, the same age that Abigail seemed to embrace. Hannah had to put on her face in the mornings, but Abigail’s makeup only emphasized the features that were already evident in hers. She didn’t try to hide wrinkles, but wore them like a badge, signifying the maturity and insight that can only be gained with time. All of this led Hannah to respect and even look up to the woman sitting across from her.
“So are you having an affair? What’s he like?” Abigail continued either not noticing Hannah’s lethargic tone or intentionally ignoring it.
“No. I’m not having an affair. It’s nothing interesting. Peter and I are just,” she paused. “We’re growing apart.”
“Whatever you do don’t try and talk about it. You know men. When you tell him that there’s a problem he’ll go out of his way to make you feel special for a week or so, a month if you’re lucky, and then it will be right back to the way it was before, except worse, because he’ll tell himself that he’s already done more than enough. He’ll make it look like everything’s your fault if you try to mention any more problems to him ever again. I’ve been there and repeated that cycle more times than I care to remember. No, you need to make up your mind and tell him out of the blue that it’s over. It won’t really be out of the blue, because even now it has to be obvious to him that things are rocky. That’s what I should’ve done. And you should already have some things packed. If you have to stay another night it will only give him the opportunity to pull all that romantic nonsense.”
Hannah had spent so much time the past several weeks reminiscing about all the romantic things Peter had done when they were dating. Deep down she felt that what she really wanted was for him to make an effort again. But of course Abigail was right. Any changes would only be temporary. There was no hope of really salvaging the relationship.
“I guess I’ve been living in a fantasy world, hoping that if I stuck it out things would get better,” she said. “I’m to the point now that I have to admit that it’s over.”
There was defeat in Hannah’s voice. As if speaking those words in that coffee shop made everything final, and if she had disagreed with her confidant, if she had said something else, the battle would have gone on and there might have still been hope for her and Peter. But she was tired of fighting and her words became true as she voiced them. The war metaphor made her weary of relationships. And besides, she couldn’t go back now, not after those words were out. She knew that it would have been pointless to try because those words constituted a turning point; she couldn’t take them back, and she was even unsure as to whether or not she wanted to.
“Don’t worry about it,” said Abigail, “These things can be long and ugly affairs, but there is life afterwards. Just look at me; my life hasn’t slowed down one bit. In fact it’s g
otten a lot better. The laws in this state will make it hard and it will be especially difficult with the children, but you’ll be glad in the end.”
Hannah was still trying to smother the last embers of hope. Although she had only been alluding to a temporary separation, and had never even considered something so drastic she muttered, “Those conservative laws. Why is it that people are always trying to impose their values on others?”
Though the words wouldn’t seem like anything out of the ordinary to Abigail it was all Hannah could do to get them out, and somewhere beneath the weight of those syllables, something inside of her died, something that had dried up and withered so much over all those years that it had hardly been alive, something so small that she could barely notice its passing. Nevertheless, Hannah felt a slight pang but chose to ignore it, and instead took another sip of coffee. Hannah asked how things were going down at the office. Abigail talked about her work and Hannah feigned interest until Abigail looked at her watch and, saying something about meeting a client, left in a hurry.
* * *
Julia was at her locker putting books in her backpack when Jason came by and put his hand gently on her shoulder, startling her.
“What color dress are you wearing to homecoming?” he asked. Julia didn’t say anything so he added, “I need to know so I can get a corsage.”
Julia looked away from him. The narrow hallways were lined with brown lockers. Where the paint was chipping one could see that, in years past, they had been red, and before that blue. Now they were brown because studies showed that bland colors would have a calming effect on the rowdy students. If it did, the difference went unnoticed by everyone in the building while the mass of bodies steadily diminished as students rushed out the doors.
Nevertheless, the hallways were still crowded with plenty of ambient noise created by the array of students, some of them walking leisurely while chatting, others weaving in and out as they almost ran through the crowd in an attempt to catch the busses before they left. Over the years Julia had learned to filter out all the distractions that filled the building. She hardly noticed everything going on around her. She looked down at the floor. It was filthy with all the grime that had been tracked in during the course of the day. She thought about how it would be shining in the morning after the janitors finished cleaning it, and then, seven hours after the doors were opened, it would look just like it did now, and the janitors would have to come in and clean up all over again.
“Julia?” Jason asked.
She snapped back to the reality that stood before her, a reality that was still waiting for an answer.
“I understand why you’re asking, but I’m going to homecoming with Scott Beckerson. He asked me a few days ago and since you hadn’t mentioned anything,” She stopped in mid-sentence. She thought she could tell him everything casually as if they weren’t discussing anything more interesting than the weather. But the confused betrayed look on Jason’s face affected her more than she had anticipated. The sound of a metal locker slamming shut rang in her ears. She could hear someone yelling, “Where you think you’re going?” and she could see Jason, bewildered and standing before her. Her justification seemed so thin in that moment.
“What am I doing?” she wondered. “This isn’t what I . . . but it’s too late to go back now. I’ve already told Scott that . . . but maybe it’s not too late. No. I’ve already started down that path. I won’t be fickle now.”
The two starred for some time. Jason’s face was expressionless, and Julia’s mind ran wild.
“I’m sorry. I should have,” Julia began but couldn’t finish.
“Don’t worry about it. I should have known,” Jason said. “I should have known that it would never work with, well, with someone like you.”
Julia didn’t find the slightest trace of resentment in his voice, only disappointment. He stood in front of her a moment longer as if he were going to say something else, then he turned and walked away.
Sara, who had been hiding in the crowd of bodies, waiting just closely enough to be able to hear what was said, was at her friend’s side immediately. She didn’t know if she should be sympathetic or glad, but her face shone with the excitement that it always had when something important was about to or had just happened.
“Well, how did it go?” she asked innocently.
“He’s so arrogant. He said that it would never work with someone like me. What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Maybe he just meant that your family’s got a lot of money, and his, well he drives an old Mazda. And he only has that when it’s working.
“Don’t take his side. It means that he doesn’t think that I can stay with the same man just because I’ve dated a lot of people before him. It’s his stupid male ego that never felt comfortable sitting in the passenger seat when I was driving. He can’t handle not being in control. I can’t believe that I waited so long for him to ask me out. I’d have been his little house wife, barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. That’s what he wanted. I just didn’t see it until now.”
“I think he’s sweet,” Sara said, obviously not thinking about how Julia would react to such a statement.
“Then why don’t you go to homecoming with him,” Julia said and slammed her locker. She went to the parking lot, found her car and drove home.
* * *
When Julia got home she discovered that, despite the sunny autumn afternoon, Peter was dragging the family down to Grace Assisted Living Center for what he called their weekly visit, although they went no more than twice a month. So, after passing through the two sets of glass doors and navigating the maze of putrid bodies that occupied the lobby, the family trudged down the long hallway. Small tables lined the walls, and each one displayed plastic flowers and pictures of boats, mountains, and hilly countrysides. Each table that they passed seemed to be showcasing a plastic painted paradise. Soon the family found themselves crowding into Abraham Manchell’s bedroom.
The room was barren. The television had been muted but still cast shifting glows onto the walls. There was a dresser, and next to it a machine with an array of lights and a multitude of wires that disappeared under the sheets that covered the ailing patriarch. Nobody in the family understood what exactly the machine did. The doctors had tried to explain the apparatus, but Peter and Hannah only understood that it wasn’t for dialysis. Beyond that the machination was a mystery to them. Abraham had insisted that it didn’t help him at all, and speculated that the doctors had only insisted on it so they could monitor his condition for research. Peter had dismissed Abraham’s theory as the suspicions of an old man losing his mind.
“There’s really not enough space for all a’ you in this little cell,” Abraham managed to say when the family had settled in. Peter said that everyone was fine. Julia leaned back against the wall in one corner with her arms crossed. Lewis was sitting at the foot of the bed looking out the window. Hannah had taken the only chair and Peter was squatting down by the bed.
“So, anything new?” Peter enunciated each word carefully.
“I lay in bed every day an’ don’t ever do anythin’. Do you call that new?” Abraham’s speech was so labored that the family could hardly pick up on tone and inflection.
“How’s the book we . . . Lewis, stop bouncing on the bed. You’re bothering your grandfather. So how’s the book we brought you?” Peter asked, obviously trying to force the conversation ahead.
“I finished it a week ago.”
There was a long pause.
“Do you know why old people say all sorts a’ odd things?” Abraham finally said.
“No Dad, why?” Peter’s voice was still patronizing.
“Because we know that we’re goin’ ta die one day so we stop carin’ what other people will think a’ us. We finally start sayin’ what we’ve been thinkin’ all our life.”
“I see Dad.”
“There’s no need to sugar coat or whitewash anythin’ when you’re as close ta death as I
am.”
“No of course not.”
“When you’ve spent your whole life tryin’ ta be polite an’ ‘greeable you wake up one mornin’ an’ realize that you don’t know who you are ‘cause,” he stopped to cough. “’Cause you’ve never been anyone. I hated every minute of every day while I was in Korea, but it was the only time in my life that I ever really did anythin’. I know on the outside it looked like I lived the perfect life, but I’d have been better off if I’d just died over there. They would’ve buried me a hero an’ that would’ve been the end of it.”
“The doctors say that it’s a miracle you’re still alive,” offered Hannah.
“Some miracle. Down at the hospital some kid’s fighting a losin’ battle with leukemia, an’ here I am an old invalid who can’t seem ta die an’ only makes his family suffer by havin’ ta come an’ visit. If there’s a God he either has some sense of irony or bad aim with his miracles.”
“Can we go yet,” Julia whispered into her mother’s ear. “In just a little while,” Hannah responded.
Peter said a little more nothing, and left a new novel on the dresser. Hannah reminded everyone that she had promised to take Julia shopping for a homecoming dress. Lewis, with all the enthusiasm of a twelve year old who has been cooped up for too long, asked, “Are we going now!” The family said their goodbyes, and each leaned over to force a hug. When they had escaped into the hall Hannah scolded Lewis for being so excited about leaving.
Julia muttered, “I don’t know why he gets in trouble for wanting to leave. We all wanted to get out of there.” Peter ignored his daughter and said that it was a good thing that they got him moved into the center, since he was obviously starting to go off the deep end. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when they reached the parking lot.
“I can’t believe we’ve waited this long to get your dress,” Hannah said when they were all in the car. The family needed a lighthearted topic. “What are you and Jason planning on doing?” she continued.
“Oh, I’m not going with Jason. Scott Beckerson asked me.” Julia answered so casually that neither Peter nor Hannah knew what to make of it. “I never really cared for that Jason anyway,” Peter said matching his daughter’s flippancy and then turned on the radio.